"But first thing he does is get up and say his full name. So who are you to say your full name? I ask. Franklin Delaware, he says."

Frank Delaware seen making introductions at Alcoholics Anonymous

Alcoholics Unanimous for Stiff Drinking Rules

EVANSTON, OH - EVANSTON TRIBUNE

Board of Licensing officials closed down Z Bar the all-ages dance club, only one week after it opened. Z Bar is not alone; in the past month four establishments have been cited for infractions to statues relating to alcohol consumption by minors.

Maurice Latrand, owner of Z Bar, has been the most vocal critic of the Board of Licensing, "we keep the kids and the drinks separate, just like the law says." Z Bar was closed because an undercover agent was able to buy alcohol and cigarettes at the show without proper identification, explained an official from the Board of Licensing. "Alcohol consumption has long been a hot issue in Evanston ever since a well-publicized drunk driving accident resulted in the death of Evanston High's school president. "We take away the keys for the weekend if there's any sign of liquor on the horizon," Mrs. Laurel Potter mother of the deceased said of her remaining son's Ford Explorer.

The increase in community awareness has been linked to decreased drunkeness, a national study shows. "There is pressure in the community to be an upstanding citizen, and this message reaches alcoholics too," commented Louis Fibonocci, MD. Dr. Fibonocci points out that attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous has increased steadily even if population growth in the are is accounted for. "For every one alcoholic before there are now two attending the meetings."

In this atmosphere of prudence, presidential hopeful Frank Delaware chose an early morning meeting of alcoholics anonymous as the staging point for his drinking campaign. "I thought he came here to talk just like the rest of us. But first thing he does is get up and say his full name. So who are you to say your full name? Franklin Delaware, he says."

Frank Delaware's speech drew the attention of the local firemen's guild who resided in the building next door. Mr. Delaware commented: It's time we took responsibility for ourselves. Stop hiding your problems, pretending they don't exist. Tell me your name. Be proud of yourself. Drink in public."

In addition to calling for elimination of the drinking age, Mr. Delaware appealed to the Food and Drug Administration for a reclassification of alcohol: "You can use beer to make bread, beer in lasagna, beer in chilli. Beer, sirs and madams, is a food, and as a food it should be legal consumption for all of us whatever our color, however old, however young, and however old. The French drink wine and live forever. This is America and we have the Statue of Liberty , a gift from France. I say Cheers."

(I like Mr. Delaware.)